I guess a part of me knew that today was going to be bad since when I checked on John last night he thought I had a party going on down the other end of the house. then this morning when he got up he made his coffee by pouring the coffee into the sugar bowl, then he started to cry, stating that his dept perception is off and he feels the meds aren't working anymore. I started keeping a log of how often he is cycling and he had a bad couple of days the week of April 1st. E-mailed his kids yesterday on how he was doing, two out of the four replied. the one daughter that lives about 1 hour away said she has mixed feeling about taking him for a weeked because of how he was in December when she took him. Lets see what did he do, told her he didn't want to go to church and didn't want to eat oatmeal. She just doens't understand how the disease works or doesn't want to. His oldest son who is John's power of attorney hasn't checked in over 5 weeks, I feel he should be helping me get in touch with his doctors. Soooooooooooo hear we are, the end result is they want me to look into nursing homes for when he gets to much to handle, because if we look at the hand writing on the wall they are divorcing themself from the situation. These ups and downs not only are taking a toll of John but I feel so alone again.

B Myers

b myers,

So sorry you are going through all of this but it is an eye opener isn't it? When the chips are down its: me, myself and I in this, trying to care for our LO. The kids are in denial or just don't want to understand...same here and with many others. Their answer to things: put him in a home. Its so cold and uncaring. What a generation!!!!

mm,

You are fortunate to have day time help...and to be able to have night time help if needed. It does make it a bit better to deal with. Perhaps you can set up full time caregivers in case something should happen so your DO could stay at home. A friend of ours did that for his folks..hired a live in couple so the strain was not so great on one person. Your last sentence really says it all. I too worry what will happen to my LO if I should drop...have broached the subject with his kids several times...no answers. We all know the real answer though, don't we? That sounded a bit cynical, didn't it? Didn't mean it that way but as mm says: it is what it is.

B Myers,

I take a bit different view, having placed my father in an assisted living facility and having seen my grandmother placed in a SNF. I don't see what's so wrong about doing that. I have told my husband that he should place me in a facility (when/if the need arises) because it's too much work to do 7x24 care.

So when John's kids suggest you place him in a facility, I don't see that as a bad thing.

I'd "resolve" the POA issue ASAP. I think that's a power you should have. Perhaps send him a letter asking him to relinquish this power, or get involved.

I don't think you should expect *anything* of your husband's children, step-spawn as Renata calls them.

Robin

I think placing my LO in a home would be the hardest decision I would ever have to make. I am so hoping he dies before I ever have to do that. Kind of selfish on my part but I just don't think I'm strong enough to do it. Having said that, if he gets to the point I can no longer care for him properly, then I will place him where he can get the necessary care. I know my kids and steps would put him in a home but there is only my daughter and son who would actually go see him there. So, I would want them to place him near where they live. I have provided for that situation in my will and have enough life insurance for that reason. Someone mentioned somewhere that 60% of caregivers die before the one they are caring for does. Is that correct?
If one found a good home it would make it better to make the decision.
Connie

heycon,

That was me that quoted the 60% ratio of caregivers who expire prior to their patient. I believe I found it on the Alzheimers Assoc. site...and have read it in other books also. One of the reasons they want to see caregivers taking care of themselves.
It is a difficult decision to put your LO in a home. Its natural to want to care for your LO and keep them home to the end if possible however I do agree with Robin, it is our duty to do what is in the best interest of our LOs. If that means a home to enable them receiving the best of care then that is what must be done. After my LOs last episode I know my limitations and if need be would put him in a home. I found I was not doing him any favors by trying to care for him at home when in fact he would be better off in a facility that was trained to care for him properly.

I do expect the step spawn would care enough about their father to visit him while he is still able to converse and recognize them. Its about respect, dignity and love of your parent.

I take a bit different view, having placed my father in an assisted living facility and having seen my grandmother placed in a SNF.
Robin[/quote]

Robin,
I do think it is different for a spouse, I had your views when I placed my Mom but when it came to my husband I just couldn't do it, I think when you are in a marriage you almost become one, of course there are situations when it can not be avoided and my heart always goes out to the spouses that have to place their spouse because of their own health concerns.
No matter how you look at it there is no easy way!
Just my .02 worth

I do think everything is harder when it's your spouse and not your parent.

But I see absolutely nothing horrible about the step-spawn suggesting placement. We had an LBD family in our local group where the step-spawn suggested placement, and the wife took it as a positive thing (that the step-spawn were interested in her and their father's wellbeing), and it all worked out well. Of course there's always guilt associated with placement but there can be guilt associated with every aspect of caregiving!

I am in total agreement with you here, each family dynamic is so very different and as far as the guilt if there ever were symtoms for caregivers it would be at the top of the list, even after LBD thoses guilt issues remain.
This is one tough disease with so many issues to deal with! I can't really speak for the many 2nd marriages dealing with the steps, I can say I am glad I didn't have to deal with it after reading the many horror stories , I just sit and shake my head at how some people are, not dealing with any step children , my children respected all decisions that were made on their dad's behalf! I guess we were one of the lucky ones!